Dont let me die in the gay bar parking lot

OK so Last Saturday night i had a good meal, nothing to drink, 420 went out as soon as i got to the bar i got sorta blurry vision, and a tingly feeling in my left hand, i decide to go hit the yard get some air, when i got out side i felt a little panicky, "i have never had a panic attack " but i stumble to the left, or it felt like i did......i was tight in the chest, short of breath, I'm praying to God not to let me die in the gay bar parking lot, just let me get to my car i pray, I was freaking out at this point! well i made it home, felt "odd" till i went to sleep. The next day was Easter Sunday, at lunch, one of my family ask me if i had partied the night before because i looked like crap....well i felt off my game for the next two days so i go my DR on Wed. and they hook me to the Heart monitor, get two reports, leave the room......come back hook me back up to the heart thing and then they leave the room, come back in, tell me something looks odd, and Give me nitro and aspirin, they then tell me they have to call 911 and load my ass into a meat wagon send me to the ER. They do just that! At the ER the hook me up to a machine, tell me i am having a heart attack, hook me to a nitro and a heparin drip, however the nurse forgets to hook me up to the heparin, there was a lot going on, then i have to sign a form about i may have a heart attack, stroke, or kidney damage, and then proceed to rush me to the catherazation lab, they run a thing up to my heart, look at it and tell me i have a healthy heart no blockage no sign of error and it looks great, but they end up telling me that i have a bi polarization abnormality.......and i would need to carry around a EKG example of my beat so i can avoid any future catherazations. Now i got to have 3 more big time test to take, gotta get a full diagnoses....... I do have my Cath on computer disk so i can see what the doctors saw its cool!


Ok so that laying in the hospital bed is not for me, i am working on a living will, and a will, and getting stuff sorted out, jeez tis ain't no fun people, to think about your own death, i did this once before when i had cancer i was giving a 8 month window of life, now that was over 14 years ago, but the thought of just dropping dead in a parking lot is not a good way to go, and laying in a bed like a mindless blob is not my thought of life....

Stumble It!

ARGY-BARGY

Jeeze Louise!
I swear the internet radio is out to get me, Friday night i was out at the bar looking at all the couples, thinking what a great thing i had once, my bartender Julie ask me three or four times "whats wrong with you" i was just in one of those reflective moods, i swear i just wish one day would pass i did not think about my X ! i think i must still be in love, i thought it was just, that id love him forever, but i dont want to be in love any more, i just cant find a way to turn it off! i guess that whole chemical responce thang takes longer than 3 years to wear off? ok so yesterday i turn on Pandora.com and the first song is Annie Lennox, "Train in Vain" then today it was Dido "Life for rent" Good gosh those songs sorta sum it up for me...........I mean i get hit on all the time, but once you taste the real thing, its hard to let go, and look beyond your own hurt, the love i felt/feel for my X, was is a sweet and sour mix , im not sure ill ever find that little perfect mix again, Hell im not even sure what i want, is it wrong to say i don't want anything or anyone caring for me, because if no one cares, no one gets hurt. I must have hurt my X because we were totally honest or "i thought we were" for 7 years, and bam in one day we split, and have not talked or had any communication in over 2 years, well i take that back i sent an email a year ago and got a reply saying "hes not ready" well fuck that, selfish shit, suck it up i need closure! or a brick bat! my last email at the 2 year mark went unanswered..............not sure i want to feel this crap again. But if i had it to do all over i would get on that bus, i think i may change a thing or two........but over all i was in love with my Mind, Heart, Soul, Spirit, and Body, And thats just hard as hell to turn off. But now i know what it feels like so maybe if it eer comes along again i may just realize it, but with the "keep everyone at arms length" policy i have self imposed it may be a little difficult?
if anyone knows a trick let me know! No not that sort of trick, i tried that a few dozen times it don't work, just proves what you had was worth soooooo much more that you realize until its gone.

Stumble It!